February 9, 2020
“Is this the right place for me?”
I’m always thinking about the future.
It’s something that feels urgent for me to know.
The fact that I can’t, and never will be able to, no matter what I do today, is a constant source of anxiety and frustration.
Sometimes I force the future, in a brute force way. I can quit a job. I can break up a relationship. I can say yes to a new opportunity.
I know not everyone thinks this way, thank god, but I’m constantly worrying about ‘the future’. And that means, I’m never really present. Every decision I make is concerned with a trickle down effect.
But it’s too much pressure to worry about this stuff. Money, job growth, relationships.
Especially, the big questions like “will I live here in 4 years time” - that one is like my arch nemesis. In scope, it is gigantic. These are mountains, and have little to do with your day to day, or hour to hour.
It’s like you’re sitting in a cafe with a good friend, laughing, drinking lovely coffee, but all the while squinting out the window, into the distance, at a storm cloud very far away.
Whether that mindset sets you up for a ‘better future’ whatever that is, it totally ruins the present movement with pre-occupation. It’s actually a trade-off. But with basically no upside.
It’s important to stay focused on the present.
Another reason I find myself in this windless state, is because I’m not a strong planner. I have never made a 1 year, 5 year plan and stuck with it.
I think it’s fair to say:
The fact that these are radically different things, is what makes it hard. I’m not good at either, so my strategy is to focus on one at a time.
Here’s an example of just zeroing in on being present.
Imagine you love making bread. You love the smell. The method. The taste. The satisfaction of it coming out of the oven perfectly.
So that’s what you should focus on. At least for a while.
Yes there are still things to work on, but they should more or less be in the background.
There is not end goal to the bread. It’s just bread.
You do not need to know what your life looks like in the future in order to make bread.